Just clench your teeth and do it.

Make a decision! Just do it! Take control of your experience... stand up for those things that people do with little integrity. Its hard, its difficult but sometimes you just have to hold true to your philosophy and to the agreements we have with ourselves.
And I did it. I changed families... and it has made all the difference. Santiago has a new face now, actually 5 new faces. Melisa, Pepe, Evelyn, LuisFer, and La Abuela.
It was difficult to leave Carmen- her house and her life in Providencia. I believe that she is a good woman, who is just used to being alone and lonely; that she feels comfortable and safe in her lonliness. But I didn't come to Chile to live in a homestay that is run like a hotel... where your basic needs are always satisfied but your heart is lonely. Our point of contact, our relationship was built around the dog... because Dominga is her best friend and she lives for the dog. For 12 years she has been receiving students in her house, but there is no exchange- no real desire to find out who I was or to share who she is. It was always forced conversation, me putting myself in situations where she would talk to me, and a lot of lonley, lonely days. I thought it was strange when I got there and no one (her son, daughter-who she talks to once a week on the phone, neighbors, etc.) knew I was coming. I just kept having this repited feeling.. this isnt the philosophy of the program.. of myself... of a home.
So, I was honest with my feelings and it was a hard decision to make because I feel so bad for Carmen, its hard not to feel bad when you meet her and see how hard she has struggled, how guarded she is... but I cant spend the rest of my time here in such a sterile enviornment because I feel bad. Sure we had some good times, good laughs, and smiles.... but it was greatly outnumbered by the heavy empty times...
Rene, the director of the program talked to me as soon as I told him about the contract she showed me, I was out of there... he took the weighing decision out of my hands. Simply, he told me ... this isnt the best family for you.
And the story of how I left is a whole nother blog entry in itself.... and I will come back to it!
But, I need to share the other half of the switch.
I'm in the back of a little white car stuffed window to window with my luggage (which I managed to pack all of it in a very rushed 10 minutes!). We are driving away from Providencia and into La Reina. Office buildings turn into trees, bushes, and flowers. I still have no idea what this new family will be like and I'm reeling from the emotions and events that have flushed over and out in a few very short hours.
And within minutes I am in a new doorway, with the same obscenely large backpack and sweating palms. There is a peacefulness about this house that you feel when you walk through the gate. Melisa comes to greet me in the living room, and then LuisFer my 23 year old host brother. Smiling, smiling, telling jokes, real life Chilean interaction... what a treat! We walk to the subway... my kind drivers leave me and when we return we meet the rest of the family. A 88 year old grandma, Pepe my retired host dad and Evelyn my host sister full of energy and hugs.

from last Sunday... host parents, host grandma-(such spirit!) and a host cousin... after a 90 degree day in the pool.

Its impossible to explain how wonderful wonderful wonderful I feel. How wonderful these people are. Oh yeah- theres a pool! To beat the 85-90 Santiago days! How much I finally feel like myself in this country! There is much more to come, there already is much more I need to catch up on. But the library is closing, I am the only one left so I should get going... I have a long sardine-esq metro ride home!

pool with Andes behind

!buena onda! some Chileans and Americans... guess whos who?