A lot of catching up to do...

A lot has happened, changed, and transformed my life here in Santiago. To start at the beginning I am posting a blog that I deleted almost as soon as I wrote it. But I think it serves as a good starting point:
March 5th

I sit here almost debating what I should write in this entry and if I should even write it at all. Because, today was different. And today was difficult. But the more I muse about my feelings the more I realize they are a part of this process, a part of learning and growing. So you have to deal with whats thrown at you, even if it makes you feel as small as mosquito.And as much as I want to just go on, forget about today and wake up tomorrow pretending that every day is as peachy as a Santiago sunset... I won't be that person right now.

Because right now, I feel so raw, exposed, and vulnerable to this long and powerful country. Today I have been confronted with questions and notions of being American. Am I even proud to be an American? What the heck does being American even mean, because every definition I've gotten so far is the antithesis of what I would call myself.But there is one thing that is so undeniably American... money. Crisp green dollar bills. And now I'm suddenly finding myself questioning how I define myself- how I define people- my want and need to trust in people. Because today I felt like a walking dollar bill... and I feel used.
And yet, there is this little voice somewhere in me (a conscience...a jimminy cricket?!) saying... well, can you really blame them? You are your nationality, as much as you try to deny it sometimes. Being from the U.S., being from NY implies something- opportunity and hope. And well Brady, arent you an easy target?
Earlier today I think I've made a friend, he tells me all about indigenous rights, his politcal views, poetry, the rights of oppressed. And then when its time to go back for dinner... well I'm an American and shouldnt I help pay for this person's university costs? I mean, its not going to cost me anything is it... Whats 20000 pesos... oh and hey, look there is a bank right here. Why dont you just give me a little bit of money- surely you can spare it, you have this nice backpack, these nice ideas, nice earrings, and nice eyes.
But these kinds of things take something away from a person. A freedom of spirit. An ability to trust. You need to walk around here with your backpack on your chest... forcing you to walk down stairs with a whole new appreciation for pregnant women... wary of taxis, of men, of women who work for men, of unlocked doors, of people standing next to you on the metro car, for people giving you a bad deal on a money exchange, for people taking advantage of you because well... you know, youre so obviously not from here.
And then at the same time, can you blame them... can you say you've walked in their shoes? That you've grown up amongst an indigenous population who are shunned and looked down upon by so many of their fellow citizens? That you've spent 8 years trying to pay for school? I mean, there's no way I can know what it feels like to have those feelings, those thoughts and fears. All that I have are my own, and today they have been consistently contested.
And God-forbid you tell someone that you are supposed to bring your lunch to school instead of returning to the house to eat; a journey that takes 45 minutes each way... because then, someone might take out the study abroad contract and tell you that it doesnt say that in there. Might point to and make you read word for word, where it says in neat black letters under the expectation section "to provide 2-3 meals per day during the period in which the student is in the homestay". If you cant come back for lunch, well you're on your own for that one... you're not my responsibility then...
Because, what are you anyway... money, a job for someone... are you a dollar bill or a "host daughter"?

Maybe its time to re-evaluate the meaning of naive. This is a snapshot. Of one day. Of the first day since I've been here where I've felt down, felt low, really put things in a different color of perspective. Tomorrow will be better, because its a new day. But today has its lessons as well.